By the power invested in me...

ok so... yea, i havent been on cuz my internet sux. like majorly. sorry. lol

so here's whats up.
1. my stepmother i a paranoid dweeb. she had my dad ground me for "bad mouthing her" when i was not. and its funny, my stepsister fays fuck you right to my father's face and she doesnt get in trouble but there is no proof that i bad mouthed my stepmother and yet i am grounded. wtf?

2. ummm... my recent ex-boyfriend is dating someone. i dont know why i feel sorta jealous... i broke up with him...i shouldnt feel that way...

3. jeff and i are back to beng good friends. he randomly called me to say that he loved me....

4. i am an offcial graduate. woooooot. lol..i graduated #13 out of 101. and i was the only asian in the whole entire school. and i was the last one to walk across the stage. hehehe

5. i am curently in the midst of getting a new boyfriend. wooot.

6. its weird how people base there life around fiding someone to date. it makes me regret my #5. life is not about wwhat guy or girl we fall "in love" with. there is so much more that we have to worry about.

7. i got a laptop for my graduation. my dad gave it to me. yay

8. ummm.... i have to go make my father breakfast and get his gift ready for him...

more later.
byez

little did i kno, that someone would look closely enough at my journal to smag my aim and im me... i am amazed...

i always feel like i have so much "drama" in my life... but it is no more than the next person...so feel free to say that i vent on things that are no worse than ur own problems...

but on to these problems...

fortunatley i am allowed to stay at my dads... besides wher would i go since my ticket was one way and my mom practically abandoned me... isnt that so? cuz it is...

but right now i am mad at my mom...for being such a bitch to my dad...

you know what... i feel... hurt... really hurt...should i feel like this?

why wont someone hear me? give me advice... just listen... for once

ok...so you guys, im sorry about that entry... right now i really cant stand my little sister... so i rant and vent.... usually i do it in my notebook, but my darling sister took it so that she could read it. nosy SOB.

anyways.... so...i think i have decided to stay in mass... mom thinks its good idea... hmmm...


i have to go... dad's calling me to weed the garden... sry...bye bye

i cant stand you. your a slutty piece of shit. i hate the fact that i have to call you my little sister. you say im gonna be the first one pregnant but take a look at reality you fucking bitch.im not the one dating a boy you made out with on the first date. im not the fucking whore who talks about how she wouldnt care if he "got freaky" with her. im not the one who kisses in school like there is no tomorrow. who practically tears off his clothes.
and you know what? im dont have to take any shit from you. i hate ur fucking guts... so at least there is one thing we have in common. darling little sister who everyone thinks is so innocent. who lets other boys touch her breasts. you call me a slut you fucking tramp. shove that shit up ur ass and out ur throat.
and also... about minding my own business... its a fucking free country... if you want to have phone sex with ur "boyfriend" do it in a place where ppl cant hear you. i have evry right to tell our older sister what you were saying.ur only 15 for godsakes.
but hey... do what ever the fuck you want cuz u arent worth my time anymore. there used to be a time when i would always be there for you...but guess what? FUCK YOU!! JUST LIKE YOU JUST SAID TO ME.
and dont talk about mindign my own business when ur in florida snooping through my stuff to see if i write about ur "beloved". gimmee a fucking break. no one gives a flying monkey's ass about you two. you guys are pathetic. thinking ur gonna marry him when u havent even been dating for a month. whom you've already once broken up with. dating a boy who tells u ur not his type and that he likes our sister better. what kinda fuckin relationship is that?
but dont answer that... cuz i kno... ITS A FUCKED UP RELATIONSHIP!!!
and ur a pretty fucked up person.

i dont know what to do.

i have the choice of staying in massachusetts for the rest of my high school year and then i have the choice of going back to florida....

i really like it here in massachusetts but my family is in florida...which means that i wont see much of my sisters... or my mom... and that would mean i would have no one but my dad.

and i miss my mom... but i know what i'll be going back to and it doesnt appeal to me. i like the freedom that i get when i am here and i hate the nagging i get when i am there. but i feel like i would be betraying my family in florida if i decided to stay here.

everyone on my mom's side of the family thinks that debbie (the stepmother) is a psycho. but she isnt in fact she reminds me a loy of my mom. and that is pretty creepy. but the things is... i kinda like her and i can relate more to her. but...

i know that i should do what makes me happy but i have this yearning to do what makes my mom happy and what makes here proud of me. and that feeling doesnt come my way often. the proudness and all... and i feel that if i say something to my sisters they will think the worst of me, well. at least heather would. brittany could care less...

so what should i do? will i really be happy up here or down there?

why is this so hard to decide?

hows life treating you my friends?

it seems that i fell off the face of the earth..but now i am back again.
thank you for not taking me off your friend's list. it is nice to know some still wish to be my friend... or am i wrong and you guys are just too lazy to change...

anyway... its been a REAL long time since i last wrote so.. i bet you think that i am going to write alot. well. thats where you are wrong. hehe

let's see... its been almost a year...

in that time... i have moved.
whereas i used to live on the east coast of fla. i now live on the west coast. my mom has taken the time to come to her senses and leave the bastard of a "boyfriend" that she had and cape coral florida has been designated our new home. away from her stinky loser EX-boyfriend. however... they are still in contact... huh go figure... you'd think after moving out for the fourth time she would get smart, right? nope

during ths time of a missing year, my younger sister has found love. at 15 years old she thinks she is in love and that she will marry the boy she is with. huh, what is the world coming to? lol

as for my older sister, 18 and ready to start college. accepted into the pre-med program at FSU and at UMASS AMHEARST.. good for her. yet, finnacial status places her under the college: edison... for two years and then a tranfer. yay. no love in her life though and boy do i feel sorry for the poor sucker she does date becuz she's pretty and she's fierce. all 4'8" of her. you know how that is, napolean syndrome. lol

and then there is me. nope. no love life. i had a boyfriend but... he decided that i was too smart for him so he dumped me. no lie. i swear. and besides, now that i live 2 hours away we wouldnt have been able to see each other... right? yeah... i should have tried but... *sigh* i miss him no doubt but...
anyway. im to be a senior next year. WoOt!!! c/o 08 baby.! lol
where am i going to go to school though? my mom wants me to go to school in massachusetts so that i can live with my dad...uh uh. no thank you. but the thing is... cape coral is really redneck... in a bad way... real bad.. and i miss the diversity of ft.lauderdale. mom doesnt realize i'm asian...in a white neighborhood. lol
i have no job, no liscence*spelled wrong*, no money, no cell phone... geesh no nothing.


everything is going good. for once i am getting along good with my mom and that is a big plus.

right now i am at my dad's house in massachusetts. mom wants me to live with him. and his crazy wife and daughter. well..okay they arent crazy but.... still...

you see, my mom and dad divorced years and years ago and it was a bitter divorce. now ten years later dad swears that the only one he loves is my mom... even though he has a wife. what a dumby. and my mom is in love with her crap boyfriend but feels guilty becuz my brothers want her to marry dad again. and she doesnt want to...but she feels obligated to make her children happy. kids before her is her motto. but that is sacrficing her happiness. and i dont think she should do that... she shouldnt... right?

anyway... im gonna go...

i'll write again in another year... lol

ciao

hello!

sorry i havent been on here...busy...

life is the same as ever...nothing new to report so u havent missed much...

school is tying up my time and my comp isnt really working....

gotts go...

) How old were you?
THEN: 1996 - 6
NOW: 2006 - 16

2) Where did you work?
THEN: 1996 - i was still a little girly...lol
NOW: 2006 - still a little girly...*ahem*

3) Where did you live?
THEN: 1996 - westport, massachusetts
NOW: 2006 -ft.lauderdale, florida

4) How was your hair style?
THEN: 1996 - long, black hair
NOW: 2006 - short...up to my shoulders

5) Did you wear contacts?
THEN: Nope, I did not. I had good vision as a kid.
NOW: nope...great vision baby!

6) Did you wear glasses?
THEN: See above.
NOW: for what?

7) Who was your best friend?
THEN: 1996 - megan barker, lauren, and nicole
NOW: 2006 - Gabby and Olivia...plus all those others...
8) Which of your pets were still alive?
THEN: 1996 - unfortunately none
NOW: 2006 - ummm...all my pets now? let's see, my two cats, Kara and Kona, my three dogs, Annie, bailey and harley my two birds, forest and woody, and my snake, mr.snakey lol
9) Who was your boyfriend/girlfriend?
THEN: 1996 - at SIX?!?
NOW: 2006 - im too ugly... right? =P
11) Who was your celebrity crush?
THEN: 1996 - ashton kutcher
NOW: 2006 - johnny depp.... yeah he's old... so what?
12) Who was your regular-person crush?
THEN: 1996 - joshua...
NOW: 2006 - ummmm...... someone? he he
13) How many piercings did you have?
THEN: 1996 - My two lobes were pierced once each.
NOW: 2006 - just my ears
14) How many tattoos did you have?
THEN: 1996 - Nada.
NOW: 2006 - Nada still.

15) What was your favorite band/singer?
THEN: 1996 - britney spears... and what.
NOW: 2006 - too many koolio bands and singers to name...

16) Had you smoked a cigarette?
THEN: 1996 - NOOOOOOOO.
NOW: 2006 - why should i?

17) Had you gotten drunk?
THEN: 1996 - Nope. maybe on my sister... naw joking *makes no sense huh?*
NOW: 2006 - i am innocent...i swear

18) Looking back, are you where you thought you would be in 2006?: naw... it thought that i was gonna be in college... at sixteen...yeah it thought that i was pretty damn smart... but im happy to be young still...

i wish things were different... i wish that i could go back in time and just... i just fucking wish!.......

please.

today is BAT testing. benchmark assessment test. lucky for me i dont have to take this bullshit thing!

aside from that, as i was saying the other day, life is taking me in places far from where i would like to go and my mom still wants to move.

what do you wish most for in the world? if you could change anything about you what would it be?

i wish for a new life and i would change everything.
and yet i wouldnt becuz i wa made this way and should live with it. right?

i seem so depressing and feel like all i do is just complain but i swear that isnt the truth and i usually am really happy..... i swear...

no subject, becuz there is no subject.
my life right now is very confusing.

*for one:
i have a mom and her boyfriend who argue like every other week and there's so much of that bullshyt that i can handle, ya kno? and the thing is that evey time that they argue, my mom threatens to move out. move out and go back to massachusetts. she doesnt grasp the concept of 'three tennage girls in the middle of their high school years, one who is already a senior about to graduate.' she thinks that we want to move. her idea is that we will stick by her on this discussion... but i think that its not that we wont stick by her its just that we just dont agree with oving.

she cried in front of me the other day... and i had absolutely no idea what to do for her. i admit i am not the most affectionate person toward her and she knows it, but i love her, and she is my mother, yet she sat there in the car, crying and i had no inclination of what to do or say to comfort her. and that makes me feel like i am a piece of shit ifi cant even comfort my own mother.
as she sat there crying, i wondered how such a strong being like her was doing. and i thought she wasgiving up. that she wasnt gong to fight this battle and i felt mad at her for that. and then i felt ashamed that i was mad, becuz i realized that she was just as human as any other person and that she was going through a rough time and i thought of how unreliable and useless i was... it made me just want to die... watching her sry and having done nothing about it.

*for two:
i just dont understand me. if any one knew me in real life they would be horrfied at what a terrrible person i was an dthey would actually be repulsed.
even i cant stand myself, but everyday, i just think to myself, 'you can change and you can be something' but i know in my heart that i cant be something.

*for three:
it sucks not knowing who your parents are...i mean, i love my 'mom' but in the back of my head,i wonder where my real parents are and if i they wonder whatever happened to their daughter. or even if they cared... i guess it hurts to realize that i shall never know...people tell me that they understand what i am talking about, but they dont. becuz, they have two parents, safe at home to go to. they know where they come from. me, i have know idea. how do i know that i was born in China? how do i know i was borned deformed, like i was or that it just wasnt an accident or something? i jsut wish i knew... i read somewhere that kids need parents becuz they give their children a sense of security and it sometimes taumatizes a child if they dont know where there parents are, either if they ahve died, divorced or been adopted, like me... people tell me that i am lucky to have been adopted...and i know that i am..i know it everyday...but i want to be luckier... even if that sounds greedy.

*for four:
my best friend...she isnt that anymore. when i think of a best friend, i think of a friendship where we know everything about each other... where we go over each others houses and paint nails and listen to music.... etc...


i wish that i had all the time in the world to write what i want but school is almost over and i have to go... until tomorrow....
<33
lilcandy

so...long time no talk huh? sorry guys, buzy with school.
nothing much has happened in my absence and you probably didnt even notice.

i just realized that i love my photoshop class. really. its so fun....yeah...
i wish i had five hours or so to just to write what is really on my mind.

i feel like dumbledore from harry potter who has so many thoughts in his head he uses that pensieve thingy to get rid of some.
right now isnt the right time to tell all of this... i need to collect my thoughts for.

i need to sit down and just think... or maybe i need to talk to someone.

i dont know...

g2g
lilcandy

i've got the feeling your gonna hate me and it hurts...

yesterday was labor day... so there i was lying in my bed around 10:30 in the morning, when my mom comes in the room and says come look at the t.v.

groggily i get up and i look at the t.v. my mouth falls open and i just stare...

Steven Erwin DIED?! how in the Hell does that happen?
it sucks. not that i knew him, obviously, but it still sucks.

it just makes you realize that anyone can die...at any given moment.

i cant even imagine what his wife is going through...


anyway, in the northern states, its the first day of school. lucky bastards, i wish it was my first day!

nothing exciting has happened, my weekend has been boring and it seems that the weather makes me depressed... its always raining!

*sigh*
well, g2g
<3
lilcandy

ok, the hurricane that was supposed to hit had caused school to be closed for two days. yay...i think. anyway, i think that i slpet through the whole thing becuz when i woke up on wenesday, it was almost over... or something like that.

the thing that sucks is that the hurricane, made us become behind in school so teachers gave us lotz of homework and alot of tests for today.ugh.

bell is gonna ring so i gotta cut this short. sorry guys,

ttyl!
<3
lilcandy

no school tomorrow due to tropical or hurricane Ernesto. great! wooped dee doo da.
i should be happy but i think i wish there was school...oh well... i guess i can pretend happiness right?
I'M HAPPY! I'M HAPPY! I'M HAPPY!
yes, i think that worked...
you know my english teacher gave us this assignment where we had took look in the mirror, partially naked *wink* and say to each part of our body parts that we loved them, until we had no more negative thoughts about them.
example:
"i LOVE my ears!"
yet, they are too big
"i LOVE my ears!"
yet,they make me look fat"
"i LOVE my ears!"

sounds pathetic, but i think it makes you feel different about yourself...
makes me sound queer huh?

but yeah, go home and try it.. you might like it...or maybe not...
the whole point of it was to show us that no matter what others say, what you think of yourself counts. *does that sound corny?*

gotta go write a persuasive essay... ugh..
ttyl
when i come back from the hurricane v.k.

omg! i just deleted this long update that i had wrote! grrrrrrrrrrr............ i am NOT rewriting it...no no no no no!
sry guys.. it was soooo long too.
short update:
pep rally yesterday. they agev out iPods. i didnt get one. got caught in rain during pep rally.
ray had surgery yesterday. he's hurting

school gives me a headache.